Dear Preacher, Please Shut Up

Tags

Google, gossip, internet, pastors, Snopes, urban legends

Dear Pastor/Evangelist/Missionary,

Let me speak frankly. Quit being a hypocrite.

If you share unconfirmed, unverified stories while on your computer (by e-mail, Twitter, Facebook, etc), then please keep your mouth closed about gossip, slander or lying while you are in the pulpit.

Just because you disagree with or don’t like someone, doesn’t justify you playing fast and loose with the truth or abrogate your obligation to speak it. I don’t care who you heard say it in a sermon, if you don’t have substantiated proof, you are a gossip. That is sin.

Society calls them urban legends. An “urban legend” is usually a lie that got told enough that people started believing it.

Not sure if it’s true? Do your research. Snopes and Google will be your friends. Invest about two minutes on a search engine. Take a visit to your local library.

On second thought, if in doubt about it . . . be above reproach. Don’t spread it at all. No Christian should be guilty of this, but especially one who has a God-given responsibility to deal in truth-proclamation.

Thank you.

What I’d really like to say is . . .

Tags

free advice, get over yourself, Humor, Rant

Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but, for whatever reason, didn’t?

Here’s my most unstated advice: “Get over yourself!” Some folks just take themselves way too seriously. Some pontificate solely for the purpose of hearing themselves speak. Some wouldn’t know a joke if it slapped them in the face. Others tenaciously hold to a point of view, not because it’s necessarily right, but because it’s their’s.

To these (and many others) I would like to say “Get over yourself!” Don’t take yourself so seriously. I’ve seldom, if ever, actually uttered these words aloud, but they circulate through my mind frequently (often for my own admonishment).

I suspect Nephos readers are much more spiritual than to feel this way, but what advice would you like to offer, but haven’t?

(To protect the innocent, please don’t name the recipient of your wisdom!)

Seriously Funny! (Keeping the “fun” in funeral)

Tags

Amazing Grace, funerals, How Great Thou Art, Humor, music

Why do the funniest things happen at the most serious moments?

Let me begin by making one thing clear: Funerals are somber occasions which deserve the highest order of respect from those in attendance, and I would never, I repeat NEVER be disrespectful at a funeral. I might mentally entertain myself by creating humorous marketing slogans utilizing the unique names which funeral homes seem so prone to have, (You kill ‘em, we “Dunkum!” or Tired of long boring funerals?  Come to us for a “Shorter” funeral! or  you can fill in your own slogan for the “Butcher” funeral home!) but you’ll NEVER see me outwardly express mirth over the ridiculous things that happen at funerals.

That being established let me share a few observations about a proper organ prelude. These are inspired by the experience of a “friend” of mine (euphemism for “can’t admit it was me”) who recently survived a musical attrocity:

1) The organist should actually be able to complete a song.

2) The organist should realistically be expected to be able to play “The Old Rugged Cross”.

3) Upon reaching a point in the song he/she is unable to play, the organist should refrain from returning to the beginning of the song to try again. This musical technique should most certainly NOT be repeated multiple times on the same song.

4) The organist should refrain from launching into a raucously loud version of Amazing Grace as the officiating minister is beginning his opening remarks.

5) If the organist can’t successfully complete a verse of “How Great Thou Art” after two tries, he/she really shouldn’t play the third (or the fourth).

and finally,

6) While “Charge” is appropriate organ music for a baseball game, it is most assuredly inappropriate for funeral recessionals.

Ever had a funny experience at a serious moment? church service, funeral, wedding etc?

Christmas spirit IS the problem!

Tags

Christmas Spirit, Grinch, Scrooge

For the holidays, I’m “pausing” my blog. Between now and the end of the year I am posting popular posts from the past. This is reposted from December 12, 2007. It was originally titled “Death to Civility”

Among all the concerns raised every year about the lack of “Christmas Spirit”, I too have a complaint. I was sitting in a Wal-Mart parking lot when it came to me.

I had been trying for nearly 30 minutes to move from one end of the lot to the other. My wife had walked to the bookstore, and I was supposed to pick her up. Moments turned into minutes, and minutes seemed like hours. Eventually, time started going backward.

Unchristian thoughts entered my head. I began to contemplate how much damage it would do to my van if I ran over one of the pedestrians instead of letting them across. I mean, with so many shoppers, who would miss one or two?

My blood pressure was rising. My Christmas spirit was shrinking. I was quickly transforming into an alter ego I like to call “Scrinch”. Part Scrooge, part Grinch, he appears unannounced at least once or twice every December.

That’s when it hit me. No, not the tailgater behind me. The reason for all this madness. The problem is, there is TOO MUCH Christmas spirit. The reason it was taking me thirty minutes to drive the distance I could walk in two was because somewhere ahead in that great unknown, somebody felt it necessary to let another car go ahead of him. In fact, the guy in front of me (that I let into line) was letting two or three cars at a time pull in front of him.

And why? Just to make themselves feel better. If I let someone in front, I MUST have the holiday spirit, or so the reasoning goes. What kind of motivation is that? All that act helped was one person. In exchange for an espresso-powered shot of “feel good about myself”, dozens of others are forced to sit, stew, and simmer.

It really doesn’t even help the person that much. They’ve been allowed into a line where they too will have to sit and wait for an indeterminable period of time. All you’ve actually done is destroy their Christmas joy.

So I say “Death to Civility”. Go ahead and tailgate. Don’t let that bum in line. Feel good about being a Scrinch. Throw in a “Bah! Humbug!” as you pass them by. The people behind you will thank you. Even your victim will thank you. They may not appreciate it now, but in the long run it’s better for everyone. Who knows? Maybe eventually they too will come to their senses and understand what a favor you did them.

Sing Me a Song of Broken Guitars and Rude Waiters

Tags

customer service, Dave Carroll, Taylor, United

Poor customer service is a pet peeve of many people. Dave Carroll’s musical response to United’s infamous treatment of his guitar went viral, in part at least because it resonated with many others:

If I could write a similar song, my lyrics would certainly address ill-mannered servers in restaurants. I can endure many things from them, but rudeness is not one of them. Recently my waiter’s warm reception chilled visibly when I ordered water (that’s what I drink at home as well) instead of a $2 soft drink (I think he hoped I would order a more expensive drink, but as a teetotaler that wasn’t going to happen). He returned to my table only once during the meal, but suddenly transformed into my best friend when he brought the check.

I appreciate those who work as servers. I know they endure a lot of grief, poor treatment, and low wages. I treat them with respect and tip well. But attitude because I order water instead of an expensive drink is unacceptable, and a friendly demeanor when you leave my check fails to compensate for a meal’s worth of neglect.

Ever wished you could “write a song” about your customer service experience? What tale would your song tell?

“No” is a complete sentence.

Tags

pushy people, taking no for an answer

Years ago I heard someone say, “When someone won’t take no for an answer, they are trying to control you.” That is certainly true. Whether it is a salesman, someone wanting to speak at our church (evangelist/missionary), or a telemarketer, I follow a simple principle: A person who won’t take a polite “No” for an answer has forfeited their right to my attention.

Here’s an example of a phone call I recently received. I’ll refer to this person as Pushy Man, or PM for short. Rather than be too obvious by recounting word for word, here’s the gist of how the conversation went:

PM (after obligatory small talk so I don’t think the ONLY reason he’s called is to beg)
“I want you to do something to do something for me.”

Me
“I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that.”

{Insert cricket chirping to cover the awkward silence while I futilely wait for EA to respond with “OK. If we can plan something in the future let me know.”}

Me (after waiting in vain for a response)
“We won’t be able to work anything out right now.”

PM
“Well, here’s a good reason why you should do what I want. It would be to your benefit.”

Me
“I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that at this time.”

PM
“OK. I just thought I’d mention that it’s been a long while since you’ve done anything for me.”

Me
“I know. If any opportunities arise, I’ll keep you in mind.”

PM (at this point sounding rather desperate)
“You really SHOULD do something for me even if it’s not as big as what I first asked for.”

Me (feeling more resolute by the minute)
“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have you in at this point if you were one of the 12 disciples and just wanted to stop by to use the men’s room.”

OK, so I didn’t actually say the last line, but it’s how I felt at that point.

I don’t mind blunt so much. In fact, I’d rather talk to a straight-forward person who isn’t pushy than a pushy person who thinks their being subtle or discreet.

I honestly felt like borrowing from the British Prime Minister, “I refer the honorable gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago.”

Do you ever encounter an obnoxiously pushy person? How do you deal with them? Any good answers to share?

Unreality TV

Do you remember when T.V. was enjoyable because it was unrealistic?

I’m tired of surfing through:

People’s personal struggles with their weight loss.
Families with various combinations of multiple children.
Obscenely large tumors being removed.
Awkward moments in first dates.
B-list celebrities embarrassing themselves while achieving mediocre success in dancing, singing, athletics, etc.
People with weird collections, habits, or spouses.
Conniving, cheating, lying people (that you wouldn’t want to know in real life) in ridiculous competitions.

Whatever happened to:

Cars that jumped rivers,
Lawyers that seldom (if ever) lost,
Defendants that were always innocent,
Good guys that always finished first,
Policemen that always caught the bad guy (and weren’t bad themselves),
White hat wearing cowboys that could ride a horse, play a guitar and sing all at the same time – not to mention shoot more than six times without reloading,
Parents that always had wise advice, knew what to do, and did what was right,
Animals with abilities that bordered on the miraculous/ridiculous,
Sitcoms that were actually funny?

I could go on . . . but I won’t. Some show about an obese, polygamous family that’s hoarding cheesepuffs to feed their 27 children is about to come on TLC. Can’t miss that.

What do you miss about the good ol’ days of Unreality TV?