How to Be Miserable in Seven Easy Steps

Everyone talks about the key to happiness. About the path to joy. As well-intentioned as these are, it’s a shame that the road to misery is being neglected. In light of that neglect, here are seven guaranteed ways to achieve maximum misery.

1. Focus on things that you don’t know for sure will happen, but will make you miserable if they do. Take time to consider all the possible consequences of what MIGHT happen if these things DO happen.

2. Worry over things that are beyond your control. This is key! Don’t let the fact you can’t do a blessed thing about them keep you from cycling them over and over in your mind.

3. Give plenty of time getting angry about things that are not your business. Some will try to tell you, “It’s not your circus and not your monkeys,” but that’s no reason you can’t waste invest mental and emotional energy fuming over those waste-tossing primates.

4. Only see things from a negative point of view. This will prevent the occasional rational thought that might slip in.  You cannot allow that!  Developing a pessimistic lens through which you see the world takes time, but will pay inestimable dividends in your misery.

5. Make sure to imagine the worst case scenario about every situation. Make sure to assume the worst about all people. If you can conceive of even a limitedly positive outcome or motivation, you’re doing it wrong.

6. Assume those who are less gloomy than you are insufficiently aware, or simply don’t care about how bad things are. If they were sincerely compassionate, they’d be depressed about how miserable the world really is.

7. Be sure to share all of this with as many people as possible. You can’t be optimally miserable unless you have had a significant role in making those around you so.  Once they’re liberated from their obtuse, oblivious ignorance, and as miserable as you, they will undoubtedly thank you for your effort.

Create a mental “loop” of all these things and revel in the frustration. No need to thank me. When you’re this miserable you’ll have no one to thank but yourself.

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